Happy New Year!

Today I start two new projects. The first is a YA novel called Fox Sense and Circumstances. It's about a young girl who finds a friend in an abandoned, half-dead fairy who turns out to be more Cthulhu than Tinkerbell. But she accidentally ensnared him in a magical contract that's put him on a leash firmly in her hands, and if he wants to act as he pleases then he's going to have to convince her to let him.

In the meantime, they're going to have to deal with a group of straightedge wizards with white trench coats and cold iron straight razors. Her new friend is a walking nuclear bomb, and they aim to put him down like they thought that they did the first time.

So it'll be interesting. I really don't know what it's going to be like tomorrow. It's practically a fairy itself.

The other thing that I'm working on is the 30 Days to a Better Man project from The Art of Manliness.

Whenever it's relevant (there's no point to saying "Today I scheduled an appointment for a medical check-up!") I'll discuss what's gone on. Today was "Defining Your Core Values."

I decided to start with the initial list of suggestions that they offered. If there seemed to be a hole missing then I could fill it, but I thought that it would be mighty silly to spend a few hours working it out only to find that everything was right there on the list.

Right off the bat I could see some things to rule out. Control was a complex of mine, not a value. Assigning it as such would only make it harder to not be authoritarian and controlling. Same thing for Power. Fulfillment, Happiness, and Success both seemed like putting the cart before the horse. Unless you were understanding it as, say, financial success, all of these seemed more like the result of living in alignment with your core values.

Spirituality and Faith got folded into "God. Honesty and Integrity got folded into Truth. Marriage and Friends got folded into Family. My closest friends are family to me, and otherwise the Friends category isn't a core value for me. Education and Wisdom were folded into Knowledge. The former contributes to it, and wisdom is a kind of knowledge, not this thing that's totally distinct from it. Independence was folded into Freedom. Progress was folded into Growth.

With thirteen less options to choose from, I did what the article suggested and started pitting them against each other. For simplicity's sake I did it in alphabetical order, and this left me with Balance (over Adventure), Creativity (over Confidence), Forgiveness (over Fun), Kindness (over Humor), and Knowledge (over Peace of Mind, which I thought was an apt conflict), and Truth (over Strength).

There were a few conflicts that I couldn't resolve, and I saw that Reason needed to be folded into Knowledge, and both Financial Security and Self-reliance needed to be folded into Freedom.

From the fifteen possibilities remaining I narrowed it down to Knowledge, Discipline, Creativity, Freedom, God, Growth, Family, and Truth. I liked the rest, sure, but I couldn't include them in the Top 5.

But ohhhhh... Knowledge, that sneaky weasel. Hadn't I realized that prioritizing Knowledge was a Bad Road for me months ago? Apparently I was starting to forget, but I chopped it out readily enough. I liked it, but if it were endorsed by a Top 5 position then I might never fix the complex that that obsession had given me.

With that out of the way I got it down to Creativity, Freedom, God, Family, and Truth.

Then I had to prioritize them in anticipation of conflicts between my values:
1. Truth
2. God
3. Family
4. Freedom
5. Creativity

I tried to view these in a Wu Xing kind of way. One value wasn't superior to another so much as it allowed another. Without Freedom I can't exercise my Creativity, so choosing Creativity in a conflict between them is only going to hurt it in the long run. Similarly, I can't have Freedom if Family isn't accounted for.

Truth comes before God because no matter how I try to get away from it what fills the "God" spot is ultimately going to a flawed conception. I don't know everything and I don't perfectly process and accept everything that I do know. What God is in this list is "My understanding of God and what God requires of me." Where it's right, it's still incomplete, and there are many things that I "know" about God that are totally wrong.

By putting Truth above "My understanding of God" I hope to ensure that I will never turn down the opportunity to update my knowledge of God because the information runs counter to what I think that I know right now. Without my chief priority being Truth, I'll only ever serve God-as-I-think-God-is and never God-as-God-is.

Everything in five words

To Moses God stated, "I am what I am."

This is both announcement and declaration. He teaches that He exists. He tells that He is eternal.

But contained within this statement is also a lesson that we can take to heart for ourselves, not in reference to God's nature but to our own, not for the future but in this moment. This is God's revelation of His existence and nature. And it is in the selfsame message that He refuses to make excuses.

He is. He is what He is. He does what He sees to be good, and does not what He sees to be bad. And whether He moves hither or thither, raises the sparrow or lets it strain and grow, calms the storm or steps away, He will not be browbeaten. He may be questioned. But He will not break under pressure and go the easier path, nor apologize for doing exactly as His knowledge leads Him.

Would that we could all be so! How great that we can, and how miserable that so many do not. But in following the example of our God we see the way that is better than the capitulation of our wills. Walk the path that your combined experience- knowledge, faith, and all other things- leads you, and never stray from that guide. When it passes to another road change your course swiftly, and regret not the loss of face that may come, nor apologize for abandoning your friends.

Your true and polar star is your own, and where you follow it you are sure to triumph. They have not your star, nor know the roads that it has brought you to. Where is their excuse to mock or make afraid?

Now, this is not to say that you have license to be, as the scriptures say, a law unto yourself. But the Holy Spirit is to be part of your guide, and it would be foolish to claim that your history and learning- other parts of your combined experience- do not affect how you interpret its guidance. When you take all these things together to walk by the light of the Spirit or to feel your way when God leaves you to your own devices, as He does from time to time, then you have your star and this you should neither disregard nor ask forgiveness for following. You have the guidance that you have been given, and they have not been given it, nor you the guidance given them. To each their own road, let it bring them where God will.

Never too little

Follow-up to: Sixteen Hours

There always comes a time in life when our labor is done, whether for the day or for good, and we have opportunity to look back and behold all that we have accomplished.

"So let it be written..."

There is very little post-publication editing that goes on in this blog. Hyperlinks will be added, as will other references if relevant, and minor fixes and grammar or spelling (although I would hope to be able to catch these mistakes before publishing). If I turn out to be wrong, if I later decide that what I said was abysmally stupid- I need to keep the post as it is. I can admit that I no longer support that post, or wish that something about it had been done differently, but I don't feel comfortable with outright deleting or changing posts.

For many, this blog gives more information about what's happening to me and who I am than anything else, and to the extent that this is true, to remove content denies the existence of that particular episode. This is what I thought at this time, in this place, and so you see what I was then. Whether I was stupid, lazy, or misinformed, it nevertheless happened, and it would be a lie to pretend otherwise. It smacks of rewriting history and makes me feel like I'm living in my own personal corner of 1984, and that's not an idea that I'm comfortable with.

Honesty over knowledge

Of what value am I, without my mind? Whether my value is great or small, it exists solely because of the things that I know and how I use them.

Or so was my thinking for most of my life until recently. I recognized that tying my value to my intelligence was not going to be good for me in the long run. There were too many opportunities to be "proven" unintelligent (I use quotation marks because what was necessary was not for my lack of intelligence to actually be proven but only for me to convinced that it was, which is rather different) for me to ever have something stable to stand on.

Worse, what was tied to my self-worth shaped my concerns over my reputation. Did I care whether someone thought that I was too concerned with money? No. I was thrifty, and if it looked differently to someone else then that was their issue. But I did care if I said something- or didn't say something- that led them to judge me as unintelligent. Which led me to behaviors that I didn't approve of, such as sometimes holding back from speaking because I was afraid of being wrong (or of them thinking that I was wrong and never being convinced otherwise).

I finally made a concerted effort to change when I noticed that it was also affecting my ability to change my views, admit defeat, etc. Curiously enough, while this shows to me that even then I placed a higher priority on having beliefs that corresponded with reality, it still took time before I was able to settle on something else to tie my self-worth to.

Thus far (and it's been a couple of months), basing it on honesty hasn't had any bad side effects. Even reputation-based concerns are more helpful than not, because it encourages me to change my views as swiftly as possible when presented with evidence of sufficient quality and quantity, and to speak my mind and volunteer answers readily when questions are asked. I may be wrong, I may look stupid, but no-one can doubt that, if I don't agree with you, it's genuinely because I don't see the evidence for your point of view, not because I'm too prideful to admit a mistake.

The Eagle Oath

Recently I was privileged to be in attendance at the Eagle Court of Honor for Ed Parker [name has been changed], a young man in one of the wards that I am currently serving. I went only to support him and expected to have no noteworthy experiences- I must admit that, as I was once a Less-Active member of the LDS Church, to some extent I might be considered a Less-Active Boy Scout. Instead, however, I was pleasantly shocked to be touched by many comments and stories made, and learn from the whole experience.

I received some interesting thoughts, some of which I will weave into my posts in days to come, but the real turning point was when the time came for all of the other Eagles to arise and sit in the Eagle's Nest. Despite my complete departure from Scouting soon after I received my own Eagle I was nevertheless an Eagle, as always I will be, and I went up with my companion to sit there beside two other men in our corner of the room, and about eight others total. We sat there to show Ed Parker, the other boy receiving his Eagle, and every younger boy there who was or might one day be on the path to Eagle, that they were not alone and that we had gone before him. Just as others had gone before us and paved a path of example for us to follow, so too did we pick up a few stray rocks that had come onto the path to make the way clear for them. Just as they will do themselves, when as men they sit in the Eagle's Nest for a boy who may not even yet be alive. 

At that time I had the opportunity to recite the Eagle Oath with my fellow Eagles and those two boys that would momentarily join our ranks. The time that I first said it, very soon before my eighteenth birthday, I was exhausted. It had been an ordeal after moving to get all of the necessary paperwork from disorganized people back where I had moved from to less-than-motivated people where I was now living, and if it weren't for a single very helpful Scout Leader I doubt that I would have kept pushing it forward. While in both places that I had lived Scouting was not dead, neither could it be said to be thriving and jumping about. So after many years of working after one badge and then another without much enthusiasm, and coming to meeting after meeting to see that not even the leadership was present, I had decided that I had earned my rest, upon getting my Eagle, and resigned from an experience that felt less an adventure than a Great War of paperwork. 

I must be clear that half of it was my fault, as it was when I was Less-Active in the Church in my later years. It was not my choice how others acted, but it was my own responsibility to decide how I would feel about it and what I would do after. Reciting the Eagle Oath made me realize this, and I want to again affirm it, this time not with my voice but with words that will stay for as long as this blog does. 

I reaffirm my allegiance to the three promises of the Scout Oath.

I thoughtfully recognize and take upon myself the obligations and responsibilities of an Eagle Scout. On my honor, I will do my best to make my training an example and my status and my influence count strongly for better Scouting and for better citizenship in my troop, in my community, and in my contacts with other people.

To this I pledge my sacred honor.

This I state not to any authority in the BSA, or to anyone that reads this blog, but to God, and the standard by which I measure my example, and how I influence the world as an Eagle Scout, will be determined not by what others expect of the Eagle Scout that I am but what God expects. 

But what IS a lie?

"And there shall also be many which shall say: Eat, drink, and be merry; nevertheless, fear God—he will justify in committing a little sin; yea, lie a little, take the advantage of one because of his words, dig a pit for thy neighbor; there is no harm in this; and do all these things, for tomorrow we die; and if it so be that we are guilty, God will beat us with a few stripes, and at last we shall be saved in the kingdom of God." 2 Nephi 28:8

But this talk of whether even white lies are acceptable: Of how much value is it if we aren't meaning the same thing when one of us says "lie" and the other hears it? I here term a lie as any deception, which is any act or failure to act whose motive is for another to draw a conclusion that does not create an accurate map of reality. A lie is not, however, a false statement which you honestly do not intend to be taken as fact. When Hemingway wrote novels he was not lying,because it was not a deception. 

If your wife asks "Does this make me look fat?" and you respond "What do you think?" with such a tone that your intention is for her to conclude that she looks so not-fat as to make the question pointless, when you do in fact think that the dress makes her look fat, then it is a lie. 

Indeed, those that dissect words and say "But technically I said nothing untrue" may be more untrustworthy than those that acknowledge the lie. If you acknowledge it, it should cause some mental distress, which should make you reluctant to do so. But if you do not, then you can potentially escape this consequence and be more inclined to speak what is technically the truth whenever it is to your advantage. If you use such weasel words as "technically" to defend yourself to others, then please be honest about what you are doing. And if you use them to defend yourself to yourself, then isn't it obvious that some part of you doesn't believe it? 

Is the "Noble Lie" Ever Noble?

"And the Lord said unto him: Believest thou the words which I shall speak? And he [the brother of Jared] answered: Yea, Lord, I know that thou speakest truth, for thou art a God of truth, and canst not lie." Ether 3:11-12

When is it ever proper to lie? The Egyptians believed "never," and quite firmly so. Though we gathered information from all manner of sources (ears, eyes, etc) we could transmit it only through speaking and writing, and oft were others required to rely on testimony for a time or forever. A lie, then, gave false information, which information was the basis for an individual's every action, which could make it impossible to act in the right manner. If those that are receiving false information through malfunctioning senses, such as those that hear voices in their heads, are insane, then lies can be said to make the hearer insane: The lie was the first step to the primordial chaos and the Logos, the true word, was the catalyst for creation.

Plato gives us the term "noble lie," which is a lie told for some good reason in an example of the belief that the ends justify the means. The noble lie is generally something very big but in principle could be a tiny thing, and many white lies probably fall into this category as a result.

Fichte remarked "I would not break my word even to save humanity." Eliezer Yudkowsky pointed out that if that were where your ethics ended, then nobody would believe you once the world were on the line. Similarly, if you lie about whether or not your wife looks fat in that dress, she can't trust your words on the matter, and will likely not trust your words on similar matters even if you do always speak truth on them. If you are not honest in all things then you are not fully honest, which means that in some situations you can't be trusted.

I am used to greasing the wheel with little white lies, and "simpler explanations" that replace the reason for a true fact with another, less wordy one (often entirely rewriting key points of my history for the sake of a shorter story, especially as I generally have to give it many times a week whenever I am eating with a new family). I can't do that anymore, "even to save humanity," or to save the feelings of a single person. I should know better than most that that doesn't help anyone, when I can be so suspicious of people that I ask outright for harsh criticism so that I know that that, at least, is true. Maybe I won't say what they want to hear, and maybe it won't be a big deal in that isolated incident, but if I want them to believe me when the truth is what they want to hear then I need to always do it. Even when the answer is "Yes, you look fat in that dress."

 I want to be able to say "I do not lie. No, not ever; that's the way that I get things done."